Anna Zhou
Daily Renewal in Devotional
Faith legacy is of critical importance. Wish my son would see the prayerful reading notes to know that I wake up with certain symptoms. Christ’s light cleanses and heals me. He surrounds me with songs of deliverance. I am calmed and quieted like a weaned child with her mother, so I am content in peace. My Lord’s grace is sufficient for me every day (Ps 131:2; 2 Cor.12:9).
Shocked in Disappointment
Thinking of the 1991 summer lunch, Peiying was so desperate to spread the gospel and was asking me, “Are you very eager too?” “No,” I replied. I was born into a family of five generations believing Christ, oftentimes we mention the gospel, without desperation. I was shockingly disappointed in myself: woe to me (1 Cor. 9:16)!
Starting Prayerful Reading
I started prayerful reading with notes to equip myself. After some 30 years, are there any changes in me? Originally I did it not to be the blind leading the blind, avoiding the scenario where both shall fall into the ditch (Matt 15:14). Now, I do prayerful reading in the Holy Spirit, for He is proving the world to be in the wrong about sin and righteousness and judgment. I must self re-examine my wrongs inside. Without holiness no one shall see God (John 12:8; Heb 12:14). My Lord will counsel me with His loving eye on me, instruct me as I ask what to do to overcome daily symptoms. My spiritual hunger and thirst are fed, so I share heavenly food with my gospel partners, receiving grace together (Phil 1:7).
No Better Than Other
An opportunity came after preparing for three years. I went to visit my classmate, a cancer patient. Unexpectedly she passed at the surgery that day. Alas, saving a soul is like fighting a fire. When I visited her husband at the hospital bed, I had an illusion that I, the oppressed, might be better than the oppressor in the cultural revolution. Well, soon I suffered from cancer. God does not show favoritism and all have sinned (Ro 2:11;3:24). Jesus said do not suppose those who suffered were sinners above all. No! Except for repentance, we shall all likewise perish.
Brought Harm to Self
During self-examination, I felt an unsmooth breast lump in medium hardness. The company had a screening mammography but that did not show it. I put a piece of wire to mark it showing a 1.1 cm, which was a 1 mm difference from what I estimated. I had operated on total mastectomy and knew females would die of breast cancer given their poor tumor genes. I went to see the chief surgeon who had collaborated with me in a clinical trial to recommend one to operate on me. Unexpectedly, he boasted his skills worthy of high pay during surgery. I suffered awful pain due to his incomplete local anesthesia. Even more dreadful was the pathological report: both ends of the tumor were left in. The malpractice was worse than implanting two tumor tips in my breast. My schoolmate sent a pile of research literature showing 30 mice with implants of breast cancer cells, all dying within a year. 100% death with no exception. I had told the surgeon to cut it out thoroughly and paid no attention to cosmetics, but he boasted he made it nice-looking. I was really frightened. The hospital sent me some forms to fill out. But I threw them into the trash can. What good will it be for one to gain the whole world, yet forfeit my life (Matt 16:26)?
Repent and Survived
I knelt to ask God to forgive me. I thought I knew and went to depend on a famous man. Repenting without delay for survival, I would rather give up the compensation. God responded to me. Chief Dr. MJH performed an enlarged mastectomy. The surgeon with malpractice came to apologize, thanking me for not taking legal action against him. I knew my sin and to survive by repentance was more urgent than anything. I only asked him not to do it on others. The pathological report was terrible. My tumor gene type tested all negative. Two attending physicians previously published long articles on chemo. I pleaded for the Lord’s mercy on me! Top physician Dr.JH, Chief of Harvard cancer project had long talks twice with me and my son Michael. Dr. JH explained his therapy and replied to Michael in detail. I did not care how heavy the chemo would be. My PCP Dr. Jen urged me to act quickly at any cost. Dr. JH said chemo would have no effects, due to the tumor gene testing all negative. Above 95% chemo would fail, The toxicity and side effects did not mean chemo was working. Dr. JH encouraged the two known physicians not to go through chemo, so I avoided the dreadful useless chemo. He promised he himself would be in charge of curing me. Experts asked me how could you find Dr. JH? I thought: though God disciplines, He still earnestly remembers His child. (Jer.31:20)
Disciple with Love
The four-week radiotherapy made me feel cured. I said to Dr. JH that I would like to stop the radiation since I felt cured with no need to go on; it might be overkill. He said OK, no need to come tomorrow. Under God’s mercy, there was a mild winter without a snowstorm. I was diagnosed at the end of Sept., had my first lumpectomy Oct., 2nd enlarged mastectomy Nov., planned and stopped chemo Dec., started radiotherapy Jan., and ended early Feb. I drove to radiotherapy at 7 AM. and got out to work at 7:30. At night, I got up 2-3 times for a cold water shower on the skin and applied ointment to reduce skin sensitivity, and fell asleep without hypertension. My PCP Dr. Jen said you need the cancer to normalize the elevated blood pressure for nearly two decades. Again I told Dr. JH that I had been using the anti-histamine receptor alpha blocker to reduce the side effects of the radiotherapy. He thought for a moment and said, “It makes sense; I am going to bring this application worldwide.” By the next year, I noticed in both the US and China, the product insert has listed as one of its indications: reduce the side effects of radiotherapy. On the day of ending radiotherapy, my boss Dr. B Bluestein went out of his office and shouted, “You successfully resolved the major issue of our company’s biggest screening test. I am impressed!” And, I was promoted, and was shown the journal which reported the drug had taken over 50% of the US market share a year after its release. Oh, God’s grace!
Advance or Retreat: Obey Orders
At one time, I was invited to a coworker’s meeting in Sharon. I got one foot in the car, but withdrew immediately. I was reminded to read the Bible. I knelt down to ask, which passage? I followed the reminder to read five verses (Phil 2:1-5) and then drove to David Zhang’s house. He heard me explain why I was ten minutes late and said let us read the same passage twice. After reading it, he said to his wife Yanzhi no need to join the meeting to present any arguments. He directed us to the next agenda: the group financial regulations discussion drafted by Brother Yu, and handed it to me to edit in a succinct form. This dismissed the accumulated 12 hr complaints and worries like clouds blown away. What a relief. Thanks to God who knew and dealt with it. Yes. In our relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus (Phil 2:5).
Self-Reflecting on Conviction
Since eight years ago, I suffered from multiple illnesses and lost body weight with severe memory loss. Yet, I love my son. I was eager to read the Bible to him: God disciplines the one he loves (Heb 12:1-13). After I explained the scripture, he said, “Mom, you omitted one of the three points.” I was embarrassed but surprised at his getting the gist. I thought I knew something, but I did not yet know what I ought to know (1 Cor. 8:2). After thinking it over for a while, I wrote a letter to my son to apologize. Reading the Bible should be for changing my inner old person. But I went to read scripture to him, not to myself. It implied being judgmental to teach him so I was in the wrong mindset. His daddy said this letter of yours was not bad at all. I felt my Father in Heaven patting on my shoulder: good girl! Severe diseases were stabilizing; I had peace in tribulation. God is pleased when a child returns to Him (John 16:33; Luke 15:6,24).
Indeed Beloved
Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you (Eph 5:14). This verse was reminded in prayer for my son. Now Christ’s light is shining on me before dawn to receive His love full of joy. He leads me to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, to draw water from the wells of salvation with joy (Ps 23:4; Is 12:3). Practicing daily to listen to Him, obeying the Holy Spirit to deal with sins and cleanse thoughts. Repenting to rebirth non-stop, pressing on to the mark of Christ. The most impressive book was “The Pilgrim’s Progress”. I could not forget that so many fell off at the door of entering the heavenly kingdom. How shall we escape if we ignore such a great salvation (Heb 2:3)? Deeply believing in the effects of the Lord’s blood shed on the Cross, and the reviving power of the Holy Spirit. Be on guard as a watchman, exhorting one another daily (Heb 3:13). The Holy Spirit pours out God’s love into our hearts to have a heart of sympathy and empathy (Ro 5:5). Say a prayer as the tax collector. Lord, have mercy on me and forgive me. I am a sinner (Luke 18:13). By faith in Christ, I am counted as the righteous and held in God’s bosom. Even with my old age and gray hairs, because He made me, and carries me; He will sustain and rescue me (Is46:4). Lord, I need every hour. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.
Abide With Me
What but your grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who like yourself my guide and strength can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, O Lord abide with me.
Notes: Praising Hymn: Abide With Me. Henry Francis (1793 – 1847)